Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Othello

I recently got cast in Othello at The Hunger Artists. I'm playing Roderigo, and it's frighteningly true to me.
Roderigo is madly in love with Desdemona (Jessica Beane), and comtemplates suicide after she marries Othello (Scotty Johnson). Then his 'friend' Iago (Mark Coyan) convinces him to try and win her away from Othello.
In Act I, Scene III Roderigo has this line: "What should I do? I confess that is it my shame to be so fond; But it is not in my virtue to amend it."
Ay, there's the rub.
What should I do? Iago's advice is to drown cats and blind puppies. Seems a little extreme to me.
"It is my shame to be so fond". For his troubles, Roderigo is "Exceedingly well cudgelled", and ultimately betrayed. Because he is too fond.
In "Saerching for Americana" the show I just closed, I played a man desperately in love with a woman that he is too afraid to admit his feelings to for 4 years. He ends up serenading her in a bejeweled jumpuit to the tune of "Can't help falling in love with you".
I'm starting to sense a pattern. Coyan tells me that I have a "Quality". Desperate? Is that a quality? It must be, I'm getting cast in shows based off of it.
I guess I should be carefully not to to get my life un-fucked too soon. It'll end my acting career...
Oh, well, there's always mime...


JHO

Friday, December 10, 2004

Winter

Drowning in darkness. Wallowing in it. Why? Listening to "The Places you have come to Fear the Most" over and over again...
I just can't seem to fight it. Then I dive into it. I had a show tonight. Went out and acted like I was in Love and acting coy and goofy and even sang my little song...
But, I just want to hide. How did it all go so wrong? How did I get here? What could I have done different? That is the one that kills. What could I have done? What horrible error did I commit?
I can easier accept that I made mistakes than the thought that it was just never meant to be...
Happiness was never an option...


What do I do now?
I can't have what I want. I know that. So, what is the point? A horrible Nihalistic fatalism fills me. It has hung on me all week. Ashes in my mouth.


"Does he ever get the girl..."



JHO